Def: the inability to experience pleasure from activities usually found enjoyable, e.g. exercise, hobbies, music, sexual activities or social interactions. While earlier definitions of anhedonia emphasized pleasurable experience, more recent models have highlighted the need to consider different aspects of enjoyable behavior, such as motivation or desire to engage in an activity.
Everything feels like a chore. Things I should do – why don’t I want to? Why am I wasting all of this time on my iPad, playing spider solitaire or candy crush? Or reading too much Facebook, even if they are interesting articles? I just want to sit here, on my corner of the couch, and, well, sit here. I’ll listen to music, or watch reruns on TV. Not even looking up movies from my Netflix list.
One of the ways I knew depression was coming back was my loss of interest in things like going to church, visiting friends (that’s hard anyway, since I don’t really have any here), drawing, knitting, swimming, beach walking. My out-of-the-house activities are pretty limited – appointments with my therapist or psych doc or chiropractor, sometimes including a massage. Once a month, I get my hair cut. I’ve stopped in several times for a pedicure. I know all of their names, but they’re not friends.
I do most of the grocery shopping. I run any necessary errands. And I do have a husband-wife couple with whom I’m friends, and who I enjoy visiting. But I didn’t have the energy today.
I’ve been out to lunch a couple of times with a couple of different ladies, the closest to “friends” I have. I know I could call them to get together, but see, I don’t really want to.
Not only is it that I don’t want to do things I used to do, I have no motivation or desire to do anything – I’m happiest on this left-side cushion of my couch.
I’m going on a boat tour tomorrow. I so badly want to back out, but a) I was really excited about it when I signed up, and b) I’ve already paid for it. This will be something I push myself to do. Hopefully doing nothing today will give me enough energy for tomorrow. And it’s a push against depression to do something I wanted to do – fake it ’til I make it?
Dear readers, please remember that I am trying to write about depression from the inside. I don’t want to sound like a complainer, yet I fear that’s how these latest posts are read. Instead, I want to give real examples about what it’s like to live with depression.
At the same time, thank you for your encouragement and reminders that I am not alone. Your expressions of support are invaluable! God promises He will never leave me, and I know He is with me this time. And you are too. Thanks.