So perhaps I was wrong. I had been hoping it wasn’t relapse.
But it’s been longer than a week, and I can’t shake the blah mood. My head hurts, my jaw aches from clenching my teeth. If I think about it at all, which I’ve avoided, I feel my breath get shallow and speed up. Last night and again today, I was overwhelmed with feelings of deep sadness; it took incredible effort not to cry.
I’m trying to figure this out. How does the definition of depression change for a person who has had it before? Are the symptoms still the same? What about for the 10th episode? Or the 12th? Or the 30th?
Does the ability to smile or laugh mean I’m not depressed?
If I want to stay in bed and sleep all day but I get up anyway, does that mean I’m not depressed?
If hopelessness is a symptom but as a Christ follower I have hope because Christ is with me, does that mean I’m not depressed?
If I’m not hungry at all but I eat because I’m supposed to, does that mean I’m not depressed?
If I want to be alone, just me and the TV, but I enjoy a little social time with friends, does that mean I’m not depressed?
If I can’t see “the light at the end of the tunnel” but experience has taught me that these blah feelings will go away, does that mean I’m not depressed?
No, it doesn’t mean that. It probably is depression, just not as dark and deep as I’ve had before. But depression again – and still real, still hard.
I’ll have to fight back; it won’t just work itself out. It won’t last forever, either, though I might think that at times. I might lose sight of hope, might doubt myself. I’ll probably talk to myself harshly and try to isolate more than is good for me. I won’t want to increase my exercise. I don’t want to take new medicine. I don’t want to do anything, except to curl up in a ball until depression disappears. Someone make it go way. Jesus, please?
In response, He reminds me that I’m not alone. I never have been, and He won’t leave me this time, either. He may heal me now, or not until I reach heaven. He promises either way that He will not waste my pain, but will use it somehow to help others. He loves me in the midst of my misery. And these things don’t change, with or without depression. Thank you, Lord.