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An Afternoon in Bed

Peggy Rice3 Comments

The experts are saying that whatever you’re feeling in the pandemic, it’s ok. Give yourself some grace – your random wild feelings are normal. Mine put me in bed this afternoon. And I’m ok with that.

I had a productive morning. Swept the bathroom. Scrubbed the shower floor. Watered the outside plants. Wrote a little. Had my coffee and quiet time.

But around 11:30am, my tummy got rumbly. Not sick, just not well. And my mood declined. So I laid down. Then I thought I might be hungry, so I ate. And laid back down. Then I thought some cola syrup sometimes helps, so I got a Diet Coke. And laid back down.

I never did nap, though my eyes were closed some of the time. The bedroom windows are open, so I listened to the sound of our outdoor fountain bubbling. And the birds singing. The sun came and went behind clouds – I could feel the temperature drop with each shaded moment. Then warmth again.

My tummy is mostly better. But now I have a cat curled up on my lap, so I’m still not going anywhere.

I haven’t had an extended bad mood during this coronavirus, though the last three days have been a little rough. Hard to put into words what I’m feeling. I’m not down. Maybe just bored. And tired of the whole quarantine thing.

As I lay here in bed, I ponder. There’s divisiveness again – people wearing masks are being hassled. What happened to “We’re all in this together!”? We started out with a shared experience, but it is devolving. People are getting tired. And fed up. And angry. Which leads to choosing sides instead of unity. Instead of community.

And that won’t defeat the pandemic, and only serves to separate us more. In a time when we need to be kind and grace-filled with each other, extending patience and understanding.

It’s enough conflict to make me take to my bed for the afternoon!

Bedtime

Peggy Rice4 Comments

I’m in a pissy mood, and I’m sure I’m not the only one. I’m tired of the day-in/day-out of this pandemic. I’m tired of every day being the same. I’m tired of myself complaining to myself.

It’s a good thing I have phone calls scheduled for tomorrow. To stay connected to friends and family. And a tele-health therapy appointment. Otherwise, I think I’d stay in bed.

Not with my covers over my head. Just for something different to do.

I’d wake up, roll over, go back to sleep. When I’d done that two or three times, I’d come out to get coffee, then go back to bed and read on my Kindle all morning.

I’d emerge to get some lunch – something I can eat in bed – and go back, eat, and take a nap. When I’d wake up, I’d lay still and watch the clouds out the window for a while. Then I’d sit up with my pillows all around me, gather my tiny ball of yarn and crochet hook, and practice my single stitch. (That’s what I’m learning new during this lockdown; right? “This is a great time to try a new hobby.” Can I say “Bah! Humbug!”?????)

I’d probably have to come out for a snack. I’m all out of vanilla Greek yogurt, so I might try making a smoothie with the little cherry yogurt cups. But I’d drink it in bed.

The cats would be very confused by my behavior, and they’d keep checking on me. Until they decided to nap with me.

I guess I might shuffle out for dinner, unless I could convince my husband to bring me dinner in bed. Shoot, maybe he’d join me and we could have a picnic. He’d have to put on his pjs to join me, though.

By evening time, I might be ready to take a break from the bedroom, so I’d come out to watch tv for an hour or so. And then it would be bedtime.

I’d put on new pjs and crawl back under the covers, ready to sleep, and face the next day.

Sleepless

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What. is. going. on?

We went to bed 3 hours ago, and I’m still wide awake. I tried chamomile tea. I tried warm milk. I tried Advil. This all in addition to the sleep med that I take. But it’s no use. I’m still wide awake.

Contrast that to other nights this week. Hubby was traveling, and I found myself bored and tired by 9pm, collapsing into bed and asleep by 9:30 at the latest.  And I’d get a full 10, even 12 hours of sleep! This happened all week long, until tonight.

Now here I am at 1:09am, typing a blog because I’m too awake to even close my eyes. They keep popping back open!

My mind isn’t racing with a long to-do list.  I’m not worried about anything. I’m not anxious for anyone. I’m just awake.

There are two variables to which I might be able to pinpoint a cause. One – I had a glass of wine right before bed. But I’ve done that many times, and have rarely had a problem falling asleep. Two – my husband is home and back in bed with me. Hmm. Perhaps I’ve gotten comfortable having the bed all to myself!

This second scenario would imply that I’m sprawling out in the middle of the mattress, hogging all the pillows and blankets, and taking over the bed. But this is not the case. I sleep on my side of the bed, even when he’s gone. I might occasionally pull the blankets my way, but I’m not sleeping down the center.

So what has caused this nighttime wakefulness? I haven’t had insomnia for several months – is it cyclical, and it’s time for me again? Is this going to be a repeat pattern, every few months? I can’t draw that conclusion from just one night of wide-awakeness.

The cat just wandered in, wondering why I’m awake. I’m sure. She usually has the house to herself at night! She sniffs my computer and then saunters off to explore another corner of the home. Maybe out to the garage, where she can hop through the open window and curl up in the seat of the car and nap. Oh, that sounds nice!

In peace I will lie down and sleep, for you alone, O Lord, will keep me safe. Psalm 4:8 NLT

Wellness Plan Toolbox

Peggy Rice10 Comments

The first step in writing my wellness plan is determining the helpful steps I already have in my daily life. When I am healthy, what is it I’m doing to make me that way? What are my day-to-day activities that signify health and wellness for me? “What things do I already do to help myself be well, stay well, and live in the way I want to live?” (reference: WRAP Plan app)

This toolbox of activities is critical to my Wellness Plan, as I’ll draw from this list at different stages along my path from wellness to illness and back again. When I feel stressors, or triggers, that might signify a depressive episode is coming, what can I do to alleviate it? Are there any tools in my toolbox that I can pull out and implement to avert an episode?

If I’m further down the path toward depression, and an episode is imminent, which activities can I use to lessen the severity of the episode?

If I’m on my way out of a depression, which tools will I use first to help me post-crisis?

My initial list was 14 wellness tools:

  • time alone with God in Bible reading and prayer (TAWG)
  • taking my meds
  • journaling
  • eating well
  • good sleep hygiene
  • spending time with friends
  • sufficient down-time
  • seeing my therapist regularly
  • keeping my psych doc appointments
  • blogging or writing
  • taking naps
  • reading
  • watching movies
  • Fresh Hope Support Group

But as I thought about steps I can implement in a pre-crisis, I realized I have several more tools, even though I’m not currently using them. Things like savoring a cup of tea, or coloring, or taking a walk in nature. I certainly need to tell my support team that I’m struggling, so they can help me watch for warning signs.

One thing I’ve learned about depression is that it clouds my thinking. I can have this wellness toolbox, but in the midst of a crisis, I’m paralyzed and don’t know how to get out of it. That’s the reason for writing a wellness plan when I’m mentally healthy: so when I’m not thinking straight, I can look back and see what I recommend to myself.

I intend to share my wellness plan with my support folks (husband, sister, therapist, friend) so that they can help me remember to reach into my toolbox when I need to. As soon as I’m done writing the whole thing, I’ll pass it on to my care team.

Christmas when Depressed

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I’ve read several posts lately, encouraging folks who are struggling with depression in ways to manage this season. I began to think of one of the Christmases when I was depressed, probably the worst one. I’m going to look through my journal from that time, and see what steps I took to manage my emotions then.

I had just recently been released from a short stay in the psych ward (December 6-10). My parents live in NE, my sister in MO, and we were in WI at the time. So my family hadn’t seen me, and only knew how I was doing based on what my husband was sharing with them. But God had known that we would need to be together, so my sister invited us to come to her house for the holidays. Quite frankly, I couldn’t imagine Christmas at our house – I assumed it would be as miserable as I was feeling. I didn’t know how I would manage the drive (I ended up sleeping most of the way in the backseat of the van), but it really appealed to me to be someplace other than my home for the holiday. Besides, my parents would be there, too, and they’d all get to see first-hand how I was doing. I hoped that would bring them some peace.

I distinctly remember taking a lot of naps. Like one in the morning and another one in the afternoon! I needed rest – sleep – not just a break. But I needed respite, too, from the commotion of three families in one house, so I escaped to the bedroom a few times just to get some silence. I had an anti- anxiety pill that I was taking to help alleviate the shaking hands. Shoot, my whole body was shaking as I was adjusting to new medications, so I regularly had to excuse myself and go take my meds.

I remember after a nap, sitting on the couch in my sister’s living room, a room away from the TV. It was quieter there, more peaceful. My mom sat with me on the couch and I shared a little of what I remembered from the hospital. My voice trembled as I told her of the surroundings, the activities, the doctor.

I know we watched TV, but I recall finding it hard to concentrate. Several times, I got up and moved to the kitchen, where I could hear the TV but not see the bright lights from it. I sat at the kitchen table and drank a soda, and tried to focus on the conversation with my sister.

My husband helped shield me a lot, and kept an eye on me and my mood and energy levels. He probably made excuses for me when I had to leave the room. I’m grateful to him for running interference for me.

The trauma of me being in the hospital subsided for my kids a bit as they were distracted by their younger cousins, and reading entertaining books. It was good for them to be away from our home that year.

As always, my sister took care of delicious meals – she is an excellent cook – and my brother-in-law did all the dishes. I don’t remember doing any work of any sort – not that I was capable of it, anyway.

We didn’t stay long – just a couple of days. I know my family would have liked us to stay longer, but I could only manage a few days before I needed to get back to the safety of my own bed.

My journal reveals that by the time we went home, I was only taking one anti-anxiety pill a day. Seems like the family visit was just what I needed.

So my suggestions for how to handle depression this season, from my own personal experience? To the best of your ability, surround yourself with people who love you. But don’t be afraid to take a break from them – give yourself a time-out when you need one. Nap if you have to. Eat well. Rest. Take your meds as prescribed. Don’t be over-stimulated. Don’t overcommit. Give yourself permission to a slower, quieter pace.

It takes time, but it will get better. Even in deep depression, there are moments of lightness. Enjoy those.

And did I mention taking a nap?!